humor – Page 6 – Tough Bananas

Riding the Waves in Winter

A Weekend Warm Up at Niagara Falls’ Americana

It’s been a long, cold winter here. So cold that as we left the house for our most recent road trip I was asked, “if your penis falls off from frostbite, can you grow a new one?”

Yes, it was that cold.

What is a good, hearty-ish Canadian family to do (on a budget) to get a break from the constant indoor recesses and mad dashes to and from the van? Any more long days stuck together enjoying each other’s company could start to turn ugly.

A short trip out of town to an indoor waterpark is just what the meteorologist / Travel Bureau of Ontario ordered. And so we did.

Destination: Americana, Niagara Falls

Niagara Falls has several indoor waterpark resorts from which to choose. They vary in accommodations, amenities, and price range. A few years ago we took our then six and four-year-old sons to the Americana Resort. We were expecting our fourth son and wanted to get away for some special time with the oldest two. Do not feel badly for the third-born, he had Grandma and Grandpa exclusively to himself all weekend.

We had a great time back then, so when we decided to take the whole family, the choice to return there was easy. It is a great entry-level park. They have a variety of features including a wave pool, four slides, splash pad for water play, and a wading pool spot for the younger family members. There’s a hot tub, but unfortunately I did not get to try it out because the first visit I was pregnant and this time there were too many kids to track. Towels and lifejackets are readily available, so no need to pack those extras.

More Than Just a Pool

Our room had two queen-size beds and a pull-out couch so all six of us could sleep in comfort. The boys pleaded their cases as to why Mom and Dad should get the couch but we pulled rank, so at least four of us were happy (my apologies to the youngest two, but they were the least likely to appreciate a comfy bed, and yes, they slept just fine. Mostly).

Standard in every room are the usual coffee maker, mini-fridge, hair dryer, etc. The fridge and microwave came in handy since we brought food for a lunch, breakfast, and snacks. This also helped us with our bottom line (kids eat a lot).

The entrance to the waterpark is through the arcade. Yes, it is very much like Las Vegas for kids. The trick it to never start putting the coins in the machines.

Anticipation, Amenities, and TV Angst

Everyone had a great time, and as usual, the excitement began well before we even left the driveway. The boys all had their bags packed two days prior to departure. When he spotted juice boxes in the cooler, the five-year-old cried out, “this is the best day EVER!” We all agreed it was going to be one of our favourite experiences, that is until the same five-year-old began reading all the house numbers out loud. After we shut that down, he thought we’d all appreciate a constant update on the speedometer, “120…117…121…”

As we pulled into Niagara Falls, the oldest two read aloud various signs: “Oh, heart-shaped jacuzzies,” “heeeey, efficiency sweeties,” “are we staying in a sweetie?” “It’s pronounced “suite” and no, we’re not millionaires.

Shhh...we're busy watching the security camera channel. — Shhh…we’re busy watching the security camera channel.

The hotel TV did not function like Netflix which caused much angst for our youngest son, “WHY CAN’T YOU SKIP THIS? SKIP. IT.” He also couldn’t understand why the TV didn’t cater to his personal viewing needs, “I said I want to watch ’Sponge Bob’”. Once he realized he had to deal with commercials or we would turn it to the French-only channel, he simmered down.

But Wait, There’s More

Staying overnight in a hotel is very educational. Did you know there is no escaping a fart in a hotel room? Truth. Also, no one will own up to it, but many a finger will be pointed.

Fun fact: if a five-year-old says he packed extra underwear, he’s lying. Related note: hotel room heaters dry clothing remarkably quick. And yes, your mom is a genius.

Maybe not all hotels have this feature, but apparently the dresser in our room smelled exactly like Grandma and Grandpa. It remains unclear if they meant that my parents smell like a bureau or their house does, I was too busy trying to brew a tiny pot of coffee to seek clarification.

Parting Wisdom

A word of advice if you stay at the Americana in Niagara Falls: take the roll pillows and hide them before you even let your kids in the room. I spent approximately 1/3 of our time there uttering threats through clenched teeth for them to “stooooop iiiiiiit” because:

Anything can be a weapon if you just try hard enough

Bottom line: this was better than camping and I almost have all the chlorine rinsed out of my hair.

More Oreo in Review

I like Oreos.

When Oreo Double Stuff was introduced, adrenaline coursed through my eight-year-old veins. When I learned that US Oreo fans have access to dozens of flavours that are not stocked on Canadian shelves, I was moved to write a letter to Mr. Christie himself. Sadly, I have not heard back from Mr. Christie nor an Oreo representative. I’d settle for a tweet.

Bubble wrapped to maintain cookie integrity

Don’t worry, this has not stopped me from trying those cookie sandwich treats. Once friends caught wind of this injustice, packages of Oreos started flooding in. Some arrived via friends who had travelled across the border, while others were sent from new friends living in the states who shared my love of chocolate wafers hugging sweet filling. It was almost hard to keep up, but I managed and shared my thoughts on these exclusive-to-America cookies.

When Mr. Christie rolls out a new flavour, my twitter notifications start pinging. My inbox houses numerous pictures of Gingerbread Oreos, links to Fried Chicken Oreo (please tell me that’s a joke), and offers to pick up not-yet-tried varieties on an upcoming trip. Christmas brought me a special delivery of White Fudge Oreo. Recently, Red Velvet Oreos were launched and only a few weeks later, a package of them arrived in my mailbox. So this is a thing and it shows no sign of stopping.

My last review was one year ago, so it’s high time I updated with all the flavours we have tried within the past twelve months.

Coconut Fudge Cream Oreos

Technically not a sandwich cookie, but who cares?

These were a birthday gift and they delivered. My only negative criticism is that the package is deceptive. Although it looks like a regular size package of Oreos, they house this variety in a special plastic tray (likely to prevent them sticking together, but you won’t eat just one anyways, unless you’re a robot, or my husband). You only end up getting about half the amount of cookies.

I stand behind my decision to eat them alone in my locked bedroom. There is no point wasting fancy cookies on small children.

Rating: 5 out of 5 cups of coffee (and yes, they pair nicely with a cup of Joe).

Banana Split

Dropped off unexpectedly by a friend last summer, these were a huge hit with the children of the house. I maybe had one, the rest vanished while we were poolside. Even the son who detests bananas deemed this flavour “highly acceptable”.

Rating: probably a 4, can’t say for sure

White Fudge

Ho! Ho! Hold the phone! Even if you don’t like white chocolate, you will love these. Yes, you will. But you’ll have to wait until next Christmas or never, if you live in the Great White North (ahem, Nabisco Canada). These were a pleasant surprise included with a Christmas card from friends made via the internet. I have to learn not to open these packages in front of the boys because they get all “you always say we have to share”.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Red Velvet

I admit, I had my doubts about this one since Red Velvet in general makes me punchy (I just don’t understand, Red Dye 40). The filling has a hint of cream cheese which contrasts well with the lighter chocolate taste of the cookie. Pairs well with apple juice, milk, coffee, okay, okay – anything. It pairs well with anything, especially more Oreos. This flavour was a very pleasant surprise and one I begrudingly shared with my offspring and few close friends. If you got one, you know I like you.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Dishonourable Mentions:

Gingerbread: meh.

Everyone has Oreo hiding spot, right? Well you should.

Pumpkin Spice: yes, it tasted like a Yankee Candle.

Caramel Apple: also resembled a candle.

Candy Corn: still a firm no.

______

Not sure if you should indulge in your next Oreo? I’m here to help with a useful Oreo Flowchart.

Happy Anniversary TB – a working title

Today marks two years of blogging. That’s kind of a milestone, right?

Thank you everyone who takes time out of their lives to read Tough Bananas, comment, and share. I never thought that blogging would introduce me to so many great people and new friends, but here we are. And aside from teaching, marriage, and parenting, I think this is longest I’ve stuck with anything. And coffee. And chocolate. You get the idea.

You can find me over at MomBabble where some of us moms share how we knew we were pregnant. Even though I did that four times, I only have one exciting backstory. Enjoy.

Pretty big for a single serving, but you can do anything if you believe.

And thanks. Seriously.

Workout DVD For the Rest of Us

I own my share of workout DVDs. And I have actually used them. Yes, really. Multiple times. But eventually, I get tired of the program, find something different, or want to stab the trainer so I move on. Not one to give up entirely, I recently tried another series and so far so good. But it got me thinking. These workout DVDs don’t reflect real people. Everyone in them is already incredibly toned. If you can banter while doing burpees, then we are not even close to similar fitness levels. I cannot relate to you. What if there was a home workout DVD for the rest of us? A workout series that features a supporting cast with varying degrees of fitness, forget the uber-sculpted, picture perfect “after” people. I want to see Nancy who has a visible muffin top and is there strictly to make us all feel better about ourselves. Our new best friend, Nancy, keeps pausing to take drinks and then just phones it in when she can be bothered to return. This DVD features one keener, let’s call her Sheila, and the rest shoot her dirty looks and roll their eyes whenever the instructor singles her out for her exceptional stamina and skill. Sheila shows everyone up and likes it. Let’s see some people struggling with the coordination some moves require. And at some point someone needs to trip. At least once. Or just fall over for no reason. On to workout gear. No spandex. Alright, the top performer is allowed, but everyone else needs to wear an old t-shirt with loose shorts. Preferably, we’re going to see repeated clothing adjustments as the workout progresses. Top marks if there is a chronic wedgie issue for at least one person. There should be a counter at the bottom that let’s you know the amount of snack food you have burned off. “That’s ten M&M’s, not bad.” “Keep going, you’ve almost neutralized the spoonful of peanut butter you ate after lunch.” Hair. We all stop our workouts to redo our pony tail or clip or what-not. Minimum, someone in the background must have bangs that keep getting into their eyes. When the instructor announces that the workout is halfway done, I’d like to see some defeated expressions, possibly gasp. The best would be a cast member moaning “come ON, that’s IT?”. Bonus if they walk off in a huff and give up altogether. Everyone else is still trying, but there’s that one woman keeled over, gasping for air and holding up a finger requesting a minute. During jumping jacks or a similar plyometrics-inspired segment, one of them stops, looks horrified, a rushes off stage only to return minutes later wearing new shorts (I think we all know what happened there). During the cool down, someone needs to pass gas. Preferably the most fit member in the group, yes, you, Sheila. The others quietly moves a little farther away, smirking. While everyone else is stretching, Nancy just waves it off with “nah, I’m good,” and slowly unwraps a Snickers. As they exit the studio, an especially exhausted participant hi-fives the instructor and then, barely audible, mutters “you’re dead to me.” That’s a DVD I would buy. __________ Looking for more thoughts and feelings on exercise? How about my views on doing organized sports?

Should We Be Friends Flowchart

We meet potential friends everywhere – work, school yard, the park, 7-11. The possibilities are limitless. But how do we know if a new acquaintance is a strong contender for the serious business of friendship?

Relax, just keep this simple flowchart handy and let it do all the work for you. The vetting process has never been so easy.

5 Free Valentines For Your Kids

Valentine’s Day is the holiday that helps you get through the bleak days of winter. And it’s also a great opportunity to ~~eat chocolate~~ let people know you care. But do your kids really need more candy or cute stuffed animals to grasp your love for them?

No.

So, this year why not show your offspring how much you love them by your actions? It’s the sugar-free, budget-friendly way to let them know they will always be your special valentine. The possibilities are endless, but to get you started I present:

Five FREE Ways to Show Your Child You Love Them

Announce in the school hallway that you won’t forget to buy your son new underwear, just like he asked. Kids need to know you’ll keep your promises, it helps them feel secure.
Did your daughter miss a text while in the shower? Go ahead and reply for her. She’ll thank you. Be sure to include LOL at least twice to keep it authentic.
Wait to choose your outfit until after your child is dressed, then you can match. Disregard any eye rolls or protests, they secretly love it.
If you don’t already have a cute pet name for your child, now’s the time to create one. Then use it loudly and frequently in public so all of “Poopsie’s” friends know his mom is the greatest.
Start an after dinner family sing-along. Preferably with rounds. Music = togetherness.

See? It’s that simple. Economical relationship-building is so rewarding. Make room on your mantle for all the “Mother of the Year” trophies that are coming (it’s okay to buy a few yourself, just to get started).

Blue Day

It was a typical morning. The beds were made, boys were dressed, I got myself ready and headed to the kitchen to join the family for breakfast. That’s when it all changed. One simple, seemingly harmless observation was all it took.

“Hey! You’re wearing a blue shirt and so is Daddy – did you guys plan that?” I asked Son #3 who was busy eating his cereal.

He paused, mid-shovel, looked down at his clothes, then gasped, “I’m wearing blue, too!”

“Yes, that’s what I just said.”

“I’m wearing blue and Daddy is wearing blue!”

(do I not get credit for stating that very observation ten seconds ago? Nothing? Not even a nod?)

“I’m wearing blue, Daddy is wearing blue and so are you!” and he pointed to Son #4.

“Yes, it’s almost like you planned it. Is today Blue Day?”

“So, Daddy is wearing blue, I am wearing blue, that brother is, but NOT THAT BROTHER.”

“Right, like I said, lots of us are wearing blue today.”

“I have blue on my shirt, see?!” piped up Son #1, clamouring to be included in this momentous occasion.

“But it’s not ALL blue, like Daddy and me,” retorted #3.

“It’s blue. Right. Here,” #1 shot back.

“That means one, two, three, THREE of are wearing blue.”

“And me,” #1 angry-whispered, not willing to back down.

Me: “I’m wearing a blue shirt today, too, but it’s not the same shade.” (What? Why was I still engaging in this conversation? Somebody stop me).

#3 glances at me and shouts, “Hey! You’re wearing blue, too. That means, one, two, three, FOUR of us are wearing blue.”

Are you even hearing me? Maybe they can’t see me. Wait, Bearded Husband just rolled his eyes at me, so I’m definitely visible.

#2 Son strolls into the kitchen.

“Wait, that brother has blue on his shirt so that means, one, two, three, four FIVE of us have blue on. But only me and Daddy are wearing the same blue. ACTUALLY, he has some blue on, too. So that means, one, two, three, four, five SIX of us are wearing blue today. But only me and Daddy are wearing the same blue.”

#2 shrugs and exits kitchen.

#4 randomly shouts out, “NooooooOOOO,” just to be controversial, then struts out of the room.

This will not do. #3 throws his arms up in the air in exasperation, “But it ISN’T.”

I’ve lost track, what were we debating? Is it hot day? Did I put pants on? I’m so confused.

#3, “We all have blue on, it’s like it’s Blue Day.”

Yes, yes it is.

———

The Brother Commission

If you think kids aren’t organizing, you are sadly mistaken.

Brothers, gather round. Our agenda for today’s meeting is quite full, so we should get started on time. Keith, I believe we talked about not bringing our light sabres to these discussion groups. If you feel that strongly, then you should have added that to today’s agenda.

Item one: Play Time.

We are only partway through winter and the novelty of our Christmas gifts wore off weeks ago. Let’s face facts, Mom isn’t exactly bringing her A-game when it comes to our recreation time. We all heard her recent rant about it not being her “job” to “entertain” us and if we are “bored” there’s “dusting” we can do, followed by some muttering about that’s why she gave us brothers. So we are on our own. At least until Daddy gets home.

Everyone loves a round or two of Toilet Tag, but let’s workshop it a bit to make it more fun. No, Keith – you know weapons are not allowed. Keep thinking.

Let’s hear from Littlest. His attention span is the shortest so he will likely leave before we adjourn.

Brilliant! Underwear Toilet Tag. So simple, yet so effective. Same game, but in only our underwear. All in agreement? Motion passed.

Ok, technically the Chair does not recognize Littlest again, but to avoid a tantrum, let him speak.

Another home run idea! Underwear Basement Balloon Soccer. It combines two of our favourite things: physical aggression and pantlessness. Pass him a gummi worm, he deserves it.

I move we continue to workshop this skivvies theme. All in favour? Great, let’s do this.

What else is better in underwear? Speak slowly, the five-year-old is taking minutes.

Restaurant

Pet Store

Train Station

Sibling Sandwich. Someone is going to have to get Mommy on board with us using the couch cushions. She wasn’t thrilled when we made that labyrinth last week and then “forgot” to put them back.

Air Hockey. Probably to do with aerodynamics, further study is needed.

Hide-and-Seek. I think we all remember last Thursday’s unfortunate incident, so a reminder to steer clear of folding doors.

Puzzles

Breakfast

Snack

Lunch

Snack. Yes, Keith, both snack times will be proposed.

Dinner. Let’s agree to keep working on Daddy regarding this one, he’s so focussed on “hygiene”. I think Mommy has just resigned herself, so she’s a potential ally.

Listen, we need to adjourn for Snack Time. Sorry, Keith, for now, keep your pants on.

Bast and Moyer Return

Months ago we decided it was time to vlog again. So we did. Then we forgot about it. But fear not! The footage is safe and sound and ready for its debut.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KwGweltapw&app=desktop

No, I can’t recall why we wore shower caps, but I stand by that decision. More good news! There are other episodes coming and I don’t remember what we said on those, so we will all be surprised together.

No, YOU Must be Busy

Picture it. My living room, mid-winter, a playdate with a few girl friends and their preschoolers. I was on a maternity leave with our fourth baby and needed to vent.

“Four boys. Are they all yours?

Wow. FOUR boys – you must be busy.

You know, I’m getting a little tired of being asked that. What? Since I have all boys they must be holy terrors that run me ragged? I don’t think I like the implication that having male offspring automatically means I live in a zoo. Humph, I bet if I had a mix of boys and girls I wouldn’t get asked that. I bet if I had ALL GIRLS no one would say that to me. Sure, I have temporarily misplaced a son in grocery store. And there was that time that I couldn’t find one of them in the library, but that’s because they are little, not because I have too many or that they are boys.

When strangers gawk in disbelief that I can smile while carting my four young sons around, I feel defensive. THESE ARE GOOD CHILDREN. They don’t run out into traffic, they haven’t broken any bones (yet. There was that gash to the head during a game of Naked Run, but come on, every kid does that).

I’m not some freak show that people can just come up to me and comment on my procreation. I WON’T BE YOUR DANCING MONKEY.”

My friend slowly sipped her coffee, placed her mug down and calmly asked, “well are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you busy?”

I pondered this question for a few seconds, lowered my eyes and quietly answered, “Yes.”

“So, maybe they are just honouring that fact and in a round-about way giving you a pat on the back.”

“Yeah, well… MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT.”

——-

This is why we need friends, people. To talk you down from the ledge, to tell you that your sweater is looking a little frumpy, that your eyebrows need attending, that your house is “clean enough”, and that maybe, sometimes you need to just settle down, Crazy.