satire – Tough Bananas

Local Mom Under Scrutiny

Dear readers,

Today we feature a submission by rookie reporter, 8-year-old Moyer. He is an up-and-coming journalist with a knack for digging deep into his topics. Mr. Moyer is not afraid to tackle any subject, no matter how sensitive or inaccurate.

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In addition to being a crackerjack writer, he also does his own illustrations.

Editor’s note: the views expressed in the above article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Tough Bananas, Jan Moyer, or most Starbucks consumers.

Nutcracker Bandit Strikes Fear in Family

Local mom was shaken to discover her family home had apparently been the victim of vandalism.

“I love a good mystery. Scooby-Doo, Nancy Drew, Encyclopedia Brown, Sherlock, I’m a big fan of the sleuths. So I thought I would be able to solve this easily,” the mother of four said. Unfortunately, she was mistaken.

The family recently put out their Christmas decorations, including a family favourite, the nutcracker, Bob. Days later, the family was horrified to find that Nutcracker Bob’s trumpet had been broken off.

“This was certainly not an inside job. I specifically told my boys not to play with the Nutcracker and they all promised they wouldn’t,” said the devastated mom. “I don’t feel safe in my own home.”

When asked about the vandalism, the oldest son declined to comment. The youngest son, however, speculated that the family home might be haunted.

Similar incidents have happened to the family in the past. Toilet paper strewn across the floors, lights mysteriously left on, and chewed gum hidden behind furniture.

Authorities have not been called in, but the parents are documenting the recurring vandalism. For the time being, the family remains hopeful that the mystery will be solved.

Local Mom Disowned by Neighbours, Feels Bewildered and Betrayed

A Kitchener mother of two has been blacklisted by her neighbours and wants answers.

“One day we were sipping our soy chai lattes at the park, the next day I was pushed out of the group. I saw them scurry away after the school drop-off. They all claimed to have errands and appointments, but thirty minutes later one of them Instagrammed her banana bread and I could see the cluster of them in the reflection on her microwave. I just don’t understand what I could have done to upset them.”

“I thought we were friends,” said the confused mother.

Sources close to this baffled parent tell a different story. According to moms on the playground, this ostracism has been imminent for months.

“Just last week at a playdate she proposed handing out fruit cups decorated like jack-o-lanterns and bananas with ‘Happy Halloween’ scribed on the peel,” reports one exasperated mom.

Her former cardio-walker partner adds, “But the final straw was the plastic ring comment.”

She goes on to explain, “After we talked her out of the fruit and vegetable candy substitutes, she announced that she was handing out plastic spider rings instead of candy.”

Despite protests from her fellow parents that an overabundance of plastic rings and Halloween-themed pencils are more of a nuisance for moms and dads than dealing with a sugar high, this deluded mom suggested that parents could repurpose these trinkets.

“They could make a really fun mobile or maybe some DIY hair accessories.”

The other moms say that reentry into the group is possible, but that they need time to heal.

5 Free Valentines For Your Kids

Valentine’s Day is the holiday that helps you get through the bleak days of winter. And it’s also a great opportunity to ~~eat chocolate~~ let people know you care. But do your kids really need more candy or cute stuffed animals to grasp your love for them?

No.

So, this year why not show your offspring how much you love them by your actions? It’s the sugar-free, budget-friendly way to let them know they will always be your special valentine. The possibilities are endless, but to get you started I present:

Five FREE Ways to Show Your Child You Love Them

Announce in the school hallway that you won’t forget to buy your son new underwear, just like he asked. Kids need to know you’ll keep your promises, it helps them feel secure.
Did your daughter miss a text while in the shower? Go ahead and reply for her. She’ll thank you. Be sure to include LOL at least twice to keep it authentic.
Wait to choose your outfit until after your child is dressed, then you can match. Disregard any eye rolls or protests, they secretly love it.
If you don’t already have a cute pet name for your child, now’s the time to create one. Then use it loudly and frequently in public so all of “Poopsie’s” friends know his mom is the greatest.
Start an after dinner family sing-along. Preferably with rounds. Music = togetherness.

See? It’s that simple. Economical relationship-building is so rewarding. Make room on your mantle for all the “Mother of the Year” trophies that are coming (it’s okay to buy a few yourself, just to get started).

From Our House to Yours

Dear family and friends,

Another year has come and gone – can you believe it?

What a year it has been – it’s hard to sum it all up in three pages single spaced, but I’ll do my best (wink, wink).

I tried to get writing this earlier than other years, but with raising and sheering our own sheep to knit personalized mittens for our neighbours, I just ran out of time. Silly me, I should have known that I’d be stretched for spare time since taking on writing, choreographing, and directing the school musical this year, too. Something had to give, so instead of carving chocolate busts for my parents this year, we went with painted portraits – good thing our youngest has been taking “Painting for the Young and Gifted” every Tuesday. He did a bang up job.

The family is all doing well. In addition to excelling at school, the kids are thrilled with their many extracurriculars. Not to brag, but this proud mom can’t help but share some of their achievements. This year they took home first place in Competitive Pairs Floral Arranging, and are already planning next year’s submission. They also decided to give back and created a puppet troupe that performs at the senior centre on Wednesdays. Sometimes they move it to Thursdays if they are behind in making their own soap. Those crazy kids love to try different scents and can get so carried away with new recipes!

We apologize for not including our traditional Christmas popcorn balls with this letter. Unfortunately, this summer was unseasonably dry so our corn didn’t turn out as well as usual and you know the hubs – he didn’t want to sacrifice quality with store-bought kernels. Not to worry, though! We are trying our hand making cinnamon body lotion so fingers crossed it turns out
and some will arrive on your doorstep soon.

Speaking of the hubs – what a guy! He works full time, coaches the enrichment mini-golf team and still finds time to felt hats. Yes! The hats our family is wearing in our Christmas photo are all made by him! Don’t they look great with our matching boots? (I couldn’t resist trying out boot-making and I’m so tickled with the result).

Of course, no year is complete without some bout of illness. Thankfully, we avoided anything serious, but some of the family did develop a bad reaction. We narrowed it down to a bad batch of honey that we had jarred in the basement. Live and learn, right? Next time we won’t let the neighbour kids watch the hive while we run the daycamp for fetch-challenged dogs.

Well, friends, I’d love to write more, but making pasta from scratch takes more time than you’d think. Multi-tasking helps – I usually get a batch done in between dying fabric for the homemade jammies I sew each year for the kids. We are hosting the extended family this year so I’m also drywalling the basement. So glad I finished teaching my rug-hooking class last month – not sure how I’d fit it all in.

Be well, friends. Until next year!

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Dedicated to my partner in crime since 1978, Andreeeeeee.