He was so high up that you can’t even see him against the backdrop of the sun, but he was there, making my stomach flip.
A random stop in a random neighbourhood because we spotted an arborist trimming a tree at an amazing height (I would have stopped even if didn’t have a van full of boys, you don’t see that every day). The tree trimmer had a chainsaw dangling from a rope, engine running, and he’d swing it up to himself as needed – it was spectacular.
As we gazed up at this wondrous balancing act, an elderly lady emerged from her home and approached us.
“Good morning! Would you like some greens? I’m going away for 2 weeks and I know Alex is gone, would you eat them?”
Which just goes to show you, when Alex is out of town – greens for everyone!
No, no, no. Which just goes to show you, he who gawks get greens.
Wait, no. Always stare at strangers.
Tonight we feast
I’m sure there’s a wise truth in this story somewhere – thoughts?
When you’re a parent of young children and someone iscoerced graciously offers to take your offspring for a two-night sleepover, the whole world opens up.
The possibilities seem endless – where to start? Hang the curtains that were bought a year ago? Weed the garden? Fix the fence post? Clean out some closets? Switch rooms around? Do some coding? Churn some butter? Start raising bees?
Wait, that sounds like work.
Better book some social time in there, too. Apparently, my bearded husband was thinking the same thing. We were hatching our plans for our FreedomFest when he gazed at me lovingly and said, “Tuesday I am taking you out for lunch.”
“Oh! Yes! Will I need to get dressed up?”
He smiled, nodded, and replied, “I’ll let you know what you should wear.”
This clearly meant that yes, we were eating somewhere fancy. Plus, he had made a reservation. You don’t need a reservation for Pita Pit.
Tuesday rolled around and as I headed out for breakfast with a friend (must cram in as much social time as possible when a babysitter is not necessary) BH said, “Don’t be back too late, we can’t miss our reservation. Do you want to know where we’re going?”
Obviously.
“We’re going canoeing and I’ll pack us a picnic.”
Canoeing.
I could wear a dress and my nice shoes, but not the most practical.
It was a good thing I was going out because I needed time to adjust my expectations and my attitude. By the time I arrived home I was, if not excited, at least mentally prepared for our adventure.
And so we were off to canoe the Grand River.
There were four other canoe enthusiasts along for the ride. Five if you count the dog one couple brought. Very thankful I was not in their canoe.
Canoe Mascot – that’s a thing, right?
Soon we were dropped off at the start and ready to go.
Seems innocuous when your partner isn’t rocking it.
You know what’s fun? When your fellow canoe-er pretends to tip the vessel. Twice. Hilarious.
Pros don’t wear life jackets.
I am not a pro.
Look at me being all adventurous.
Highlights from this trip included the guy who wore a leather coat underneath his life jacket. To canoe. In August. We noted that he did very little paddling. Also, there was some lovely scenery.
It took effort to deface this bridge.Local wildlife
Free souvenir!
Along the way I found an ideal spot to hide and scare people, should we make this trip again with friends.
Despite my poor attitude going into this journey, we had a great time. The sandwiches were delicious and the company, acceptable.
Still smiling. Wait, this was taken before we left.
If you had two days to yourself, what would you do? Can some peaches? Go to the beach? Clean the grout in your bathroom?
It’s taken me just under ten years but I have figured it out.
Cracked the code.
Uncovered the secret.
Distilled the formula.
Want to know what your son is thinking? Interested in his school life? Curious about his peer dynamics? Or just wondering what he really thinks about that girl Paige in his class? (she’s the worst, by the way).
Here’s the answer. And it’s foolproof.
Drive the van.
That’s it.
Load up the van with him and a bunch of his friends and drive them somewhere. The destination doesn’t matter, but try for something fifteen minutes away, minimum.
And drive. Justdrive. Don’t pepper them with questions, don’t insert yourself into the conversation and do not make eye contact. Pretend you are on a safari observing animals in their natural habitat (but don’t take notes, because they will see that and wonder why you pulled over. Same goes for whispering recordings into your phone).
The information you will gather by listening in (it’s not eavesdropping if they forget you can hear them) is astounding. Here’s a recent sampling, in case you doubt my methods:
Josh thinks he’s so great at soccer, but really, he isn’t.
Someone needs to tell Julia to settle down – everyone knows she’s loud just to getattention.
Adam claims he got to level K in math drills, but he totally didn’t. Liar.
Ryan is so mean that they’d like to take a power washer to him and wouldn’t even feel bad about it.
There are also some epiphanies which give you a peek into alternative parenting choices. For instance, one boy piped up with incredulity, “Wait, you can ride your bike on the street? Such freedom.”
You might be tempted to jump in and ask some follow up questions, but play it cool. Stay in the shadows. That time will come later.
It can be challenging to listen and not reply, but it’s worth it. You might want to chime in that maybe Julia feels insecure and is looking for a safe circle to be herself. Squash the urge to point out that maybe life is hard for Ryan and that’s why he acts out. Perhaps Josh doesn’t feel good about himself so he shows off the skill he is most proud of.
There will be opportunities for those conversations, but for now, just listen.
Once there was a tired mom who groggily dragged herself downstairs. All poor mom wanted was a cup of coffee. She could almost taste it.
The elixir of life
But instead of a hot cup of joe, this mom was greeted by devastation.
A giant watermelon that was awaiting consumption decided nighttime would be the right time to give up all hope. This depressed watermelon sprung a leak and all its insides had oozed out onto the table.
The carnage was not limited to the table. One of the mom’s sons had created pottery with air-dry clay. The fish and bowl were the first victims, reduced to soggy bits of sadness.
Next in line was the chair and wall. Although watermelons are mostly water, there is a high sugar component. Sticky watermelon intestine juice removal is not a simple task. And it stinks.
Clean up was swift and efficient, despite lack of help.
Poor mom was heckled with unnecessary observations from her offspring about the “grossness” and the condition of the pottery. But no one offered to hold the garbage bag for her. Weird.
The final victim of this culinary savagery was mom’s sanity. Because coffee.
Production has already begun on the sequel, “Mango Mayhem”.
We were in line for a roller coaster that I would soon decide not to ride. And then I saw him. A twenty-something guy with a fully waxed, handle bar moustache and a girlfriend. He looked like a Disney villain, but with a lady on his arm, there can be no doubt, he’s a hero. Or at least has supernatural powers.
I’d like to offer you some photographic evidence, but he thwarted all our efforts.
“Just pretend you’re taking my picture, but snap a shot of that amazing ‘stache. I will never ask you for anything ever again.”
My window of opportunity was small – zoom in, Bearded Husband, zoom in.
Turn around. Please. Just a little to the right.
You’ll just have to believe me. It was real. I even saw him twirl it with his finger. I have no doubt that as he ate his funnel cake, he was really plotting ways to take over the world. Or at least Canada.
Curses, foiled again.
Have you ever bumped into a celebrity at a theme park? How about at the mall? Perhaps at a Tim Hortons?
It’s date night with one of my favourite little people. Despite my attempts to go to anywhere else, that mini-human is sure to chose the Golden Arches. And thus begins the strategic planning to eat healthy despite being in this fast-food nexus.
Tastes like happy, but with an aftertaste of regret.
Okay, I’ll go there, but I’m going to eat a quick snack beforehand so I’m not ravenous and succumb to temptation.
No time. No problem. I’ll just get water and a salad.
Well, maybe not a salad. A wrap – yes, a veggie wrap. That’s a good choice.
A veggie wrap is almost like eating negative calories, so I’ll get a small pop instead of water. Wouldn’t want to seem too self-righteous to my dear, sweet french fry-eating child.
Mmmm. French fries. No.
Since I’m not ordering fries, I’ll get the chicken wrap. That extra protein will satisfy any cravings I might encounter.
A chicken wrap, easy on the dressing. They custom order, right?
I wouldn’t want to seem too choosey, so I’ll take it the way they prepare it.
Seems a shame to get the grilled chicken. I’ll get the crispy. All those veggies still make it healthy. Mostly.
A chicken wrap, small pop. That’s it.
Those fries just came out of the fryer. So hot and fresh.
No. I’ll just snag a few when the little guy isn’t looking.
He’ll know. He always knows.
He’s always looking. I think he counts the total before he starts eating.
I’ll get my own, to keep the peace. But just a small.
A chicken wrap, pop, and fries.
How much is that chicken wrap?
A cheeseburger is pretty low-cost. We do live on a budget. I’ll just get that. It’s for the children.
Saving some serious money not getting that over-priced chicken wrap. I think I can get the medium fries.
Yes, I’m ready to order: cheeseburger, medium fries, and a small pop, please.
Wait, it’s the same price for a larger drink? Well, then it seems wasteful not to upsize.
Uh, oh, Red Riding Hood has a problem – she can’t find Little Boy Blue. There’s only one solution: gather your group of friends to your secret club, transform into Super Readers, hop into your WhyFlyers (they probably use a lot of fuel), jump into a storybook, chase down the clues, solve numerous riddles, collect Super Letters, interact with storybook characters who very 2-dimensional (so shallow), and finally, 30 minutes later realize you just needed to be “clever”.
Or, there’s Option B: get Wifi.
Don’t know where LBB went? Bet he checked in with Foursquare somewhere.
Not sure why he left? Well, look at that, he just tweeted that he’s headed out for brunch.
Yup, just posted a picture of his French Toast on Instagram (no filter).
Dear me, what is that mice like to eat? Just ask Google, Prince Charming.
Oh, Princess Pea didn’t know how to spell “cheese”? The Oxford dictionary is now online.
Unsure what Super Duper means? Urban Dictionary, guys.
Next Season: SuperReaders to the Rescue! Solving your problems in 2 minutes or less thanks to unlimited data plans.
Last year I interviewed three of our boys about Canada. Here’s an addendum since one more son can speak in sentences and the other had a bit to add.
I asked one of the Littles, “Who is the boss of Canada?” to which he promptly replied, “God.” His younger brother added, “Jesus”. So, there’s that.
When I inquired of the 3 year old where Canada is, he informed me, “in the garage.” He also told me that Canada doesn’t use money, so he’s a questionable source.
I might have gotten more information and trivia out of them, but the 5 year old suddenly left to go potty. Priorities, guys.
Happy Birthday,Canada!
*For more on this topic, click here to view Bast and Moyer talk about Canadian money.
Tough Bananas 