January 2015 – Tough Bananas

The Brother Commission

If you think kids aren’t organizing, you are sadly mistaken.

Brothers, gather round. Our agenda for today’s meeting is quite full, so we should get started on time. Keith, I believe we talked about not bringing our light sabres to these discussion groups. If you feel that strongly, then you should have added that to today’s agenda.

Item one: Play Time.

We are only partway through winter and the novelty of our Christmas gifts wore off weeks ago. Let’s face facts, Mom isn’t exactly bringing her A-game when it comes to our recreation time. We all heard her recent rant about it not being her “job” to “entertain” us and if we are “bored” there’s “dusting” we can do, followed by some muttering about that’s why she gave us brothers. So we are on our own. At least until Daddy gets home.

Everyone loves a round or two of Toilet Tag, but let’s workshop it a bit to make it more fun. No, Keith – you know weapons are not allowed. Keep thinking.

Let’s hear from Littlest. His attention span is the shortest so he will likely leave before we adjourn.

Brilliant! Underwear Toilet Tag. So simple, yet so effective. Same game, but in only our underwear. All in agreement? Motion passed.

Ok, technically the Chair does not recognize Littlest again, but to avoid a tantrum, let him speak.

Another home run idea! Underwear Basement Balloon Soccer. It combines two of our favourite things: physical aggression and pantlessness. Pass him a gummi worm, he deserves it.

I move we continue to workshop this skivvies theme. All in favour? Great, let’s do this.

What else is better in underwear? Speak slowly, the five-year-old is taking minutes.

Restaurant

Pet Store

Train Station

Sibling Sandwich. Someone is going to have to get Mommy on board with us using the couch cushions. She wasn’t thrilled when we made that labyrinth last week and then “forgot” to put them back.

Air Hockey. Probably to do with aerodynamics, further study is needed.

Hide-and-Seek. I think we all remember last Thursday’s unfortunate incident, so a reminder to steer clear of folding doors.

Puzzles

Breakfast

Snack

Lunch

Snack. Yes, Keith, both snack times will be proposed.

Dinner. Let’s agree to keep working on Daddy regarding this one, he’s so focussed on “hygiene”. I think Mommy has just resigned herself, so she’s a potential ally.

Listen, we need to adjourn for Snack Time. Sorry, Keith, for now, keep your pants on.

Bast and Moyer Return

Months ago we decided it was time to vlog again. So we did. Then we forgot about it. But fear not! The footage is safe and sound and ready for its debut.

No, I can’t recall why we wore shower caps, but I stand by that decision. More good news! There are other episodes coming and I don’t remember what we said on those, so we will all be surprised together.

No, YOU Must be Busy

Picture it. My living room, mid-winter, a playdate with a few girl friends and their preschoolers. I was on a maternity leave with our fourth baby and needed to vent.

“Four boys. Are they all yours?

Wow. FOUR boys – you must be busy.

You know, I’m getting a little tired of being asked that. What? Since I have all boys they must be holy terrors that run me ragged? I don’t think I like the implication that having male offspring automatically means I live in a zoo. Humph, I bet if I had a mix of boys and girls I wouldn’t get asked that. I bet if I had ALL GIRLS no one would say that to me. Sure, I have temporarily misplaced a son in grocery store. And there was that time that I couldn’t find one of them in the library, but that’s because they are little, not because I have too many or that they are boys.

When strangers gawk in disbelief that I can smile while carting my four young sons around, I feel defensive. THESE ARE GOOD CHILDREN. They don’t run out into traffic, they haven’t broken any bones (yet. There was that gash to the head during a game of Naked Run, but come on, every kid does that).

I’m not some freak show that people can just come up to me and comment on my procreation. I WON’T BE YOUR DANCING MONKEY.”

My friend slowly sipped her coffee, placed her mug down and calmly asked, “well are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you busy?”

I pondered this question for a few seconds, lowered my eyes and quietly answered, “Yes.”

“So, maybe they are just honouring that fact and in a round-about way giving you a pat on the back.”

“Yeah, well… MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT.”

——-

This is why we need friends, people. To talk you down from the ledge, to tell you that your sweater is looking a little frumpy, that your eyebrows need attending, that your house is “clean enough”, and that maybe, sometimes you need to just settle down, Crazy.

My 5 Rules for Canadian Kids in Winter

It’s January in Canada, so it’s cold. Really cold. However, it’s nothing we can’t handle. We may be overly polite and apologetic, but we are a hearty people. If your snot doesn’t freeze inside your nostrils, it’s cold but not really cold. If your breath doesn’t crystalize on your scarf when you exit your house, toughen up – you are Canadian.

Travelling anywhere in winter with small children in tow requires a minimum of 12 extra minutes prep time (I’ve done extensive research on this, trust me). If you are running late, it will take them 27 minutes because science. And so, I present to you…

My Five Rules for Canadian Kids in Winter

1. Layer. Two pairs of socks, extra mittens. We all know it feels bunchy, just do it.

2. Wet mitts won’t dry in a bin. They go on the dryer – every time. Remember? The dryer? Any good Canadian household will have the standard minimum of two such contraptions.

The house will still smell like wet dog, but for a shorter duration.

3. Shut the door. All the way. Right away. JUST SHUT THE DOOR.

4. Tiny mittens that stretch when you put them on are not really mittens. Real mittens impede all fine motor skills. They also prevent frost bite. Hold still while I tie your scarf tighter to muffle your complaints.

5. Put on your snow pants. Forget that, just put on any snow pants. No argument, no excuses. We all agree that they hinder movement, but they also prevent your skin from burning on the walk to school. And snow pants always go on first, it’s the law.

Yes, it’s cold out there, but we can get through it together. As long as you SHUT THE DOOR.

The Perfect Super Villain

Small children are cute, funny, energetic, and sweet. Sometimes they are exasperating, some days inspiring. But they are never, ever subtle. Of all the adjectives available to describe tiny human beings, “shrewd” does not top the list. Preschoolers would make horrible spies. However, they would make excellent super villains.

Here are my top 5 reasons that preschoolers would be fantastic at over-the-top-subterfuge.

1. They cannot keep their intentions a secret.

“Oh, I have had too many jellybeans already? Don’t look at me. No particular reason, I just don’t want you to look at me at this moment. Close your eyes. Do it. And no, I won’t be eating candy, I just want some privacy.”

2. They tip their hand far too early in the game.

“When you tell me that it is nap time then I am going to tell you that you are STUPID and to SHUT UP.”

3. Outrageous punishments for perceived injustice.

“You refuse to buy more Goldfish crackers because ‘allegedly’ we have ‘lots at home’? Watch me throw myself on the floor of this grocery store and FEEL MY WRATH.”