The Perfect Super Villain

Small children are cute, funny, energetic, and sweet. Sometimes they are exasperating, some days inspiring. But they are never, ever subtle. Of all the adjectives available to describe tiny human beings, “shrewd” does not top the list. Preschoolers would make horrible spies. However, they would make excellent super villains.

Here are my top 5 reasons that preschoolers would be fantastic at over-the-top-subterfuge.

1. They cannot keep their intentions a secret.

“Oh, I have had too many jellybeans already? Don’t look at me. No particular reason, I just don’t want you to look at me at this moment. Close your eyes. Do it. And no, I won’t be eating candy, I just want some privacy.”

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2. They tip their hand far too early in the game.

“When you tell me that it is nap time then I am going to tell you that you are STUPID and to SHUT UP.”

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3. Outrageous punishments for perceived injustice.

“You refuse to buy more Goldfish crackers because ‘allegedly’ we have ‘lots at home’? Watch me throw myself on the floor of this grocery store and FEEL MY WRATH.”

Evil? Who, me?
Evil? Who, me?

4. Outlandish plans.

“When I get bigger I will buy ALL THE SKITTLES IN THE WORLD AND EAT AS MUCH AS I LIKE and no one will stop me because I will be BIG.”

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5. They are always shocked and amazed when their plans are thwarted.

“How could you have known I was emptying an entire can of shaving cream into the sink? Who snitched?”

Well, that did not go according to plan.
Well, that did not go according to plan.

If we aren’t careful, one day soon these little ankle-biters could rule us all.

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*all gifs from http://www.giphy.com

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The Manual

There are many well-meaning parenting books to be found. I thought I might try my hand at a book that really helps new parents know what to expect in the toddler and preschool years. Here’s my rough outline so far.

Kids: The Owner’s Manual

Chapter 1 – Favourite Preschooler Games

  • Are the Lights On or Off?
  • I’m done on the toilet. Wait, no, I’m not
  • Guess What I’d Like On My Sandwich?

Chapter 2 – Clothing Issues

  • Zip my Coat, But Not Too High
  • My Sock Feels Weird
  • If It’s Not Blue I’m Not Wearing It
  • Snow Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Wear Crocs

Chapter 3 – Psychological Warfare

  • I Know I Ate that Yesterday, So What?
  • It’s Your Fault You Can’t Understand What I’m Saying

Chapter 4 – The Hidden Enemy

  • Marker Lids
  • Stickers
  • Juice Boxes – I’ll Squeeze Them If I Like

Chapter 5 – Personal Space: Why You Don’t Need It

What other chapters would you recommend?