Tag: humor

Nutcracker Bandit Strikes Fear in Family

Local mom was shaken to discover her family home had apparently been the victim of vandalism.

“I love a good mystery. Scooby-Doo, Nancy Drew, Encyclopedia Brown, Sherlock, I’m a big fan of the sleuths. So I thought I would be able to solve this easily,” the mother of four said. Unfortunately, she was mistaken.

The family recently put out their Christmas decorations, including a family favourite, the nutcracker, Bob. Days later, the family was horrified to find that Nutcracker Bob’s trumpet had been broken off.

“This was certainly not an inside job. I specifically told my boys not to play with the Nutcracker and they all promised they wouldn’t,” said the devastated mom. “I don’t feel safe in my own home.”

When asked about the vandalism, the oldest son declined to comment. The youngest son, however, speculated that the family home might be haunted.

Similar incidents have happened to the family in the past. Toilet paper strewn across the floors, lights mysteriously left on, and chewed gum hidden behind furniture.

Authorities have not been called in, but the parents are documenting the recurring vandalism. For the time being, the family remains hopeful that the mystery will be solved.

 

 

 

The Future is NOW

My children, it is true that we live in an amazing time. But sometimes I ponder what the future might hold for us. What wonders could be just a few years away?

For instance, sometimes I like to imagine that in my lifetime we will have the ability to create some sort of mechanism that allows you to suspend a towel off of a bedroom floor. Maybe it will be on the back of a door, who is to say? I’ll leave that to the engineers.

Occasionally I like to dream of a time when we won’t have to eat food with our bare hands. I admit it is hard to wait, but I’m sure scientists are on the cusp of discovering the right formula to forge a device that allows us to deliver food directly from our plate to our mouth. Call me fanciful, but I think that could happen any day now.

If you’re like me, you might be wishing for an appliance of some sort that washes dishes for you. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all we have to do is load the dirty dishes into it and *poof* all the hard work is done? The dishes would come out clean with minimal effort from us. Sounds a bit far-fetched, but so did space travel, didn’t it?

So close.
So close.

When a drink spills on the floor it is such a hassle. You have to walk around it until it eventually dries up. But I have faith that one day there will be an absorbent material that can swipe up that mess in one go. I believe we have the technology, it just hasn’t been maximized yet.

If they can make a phone that allows you to hold the world’s knowledge in the palm of your hand, surely we aren’t far away from an apparatus that will pick up carpet debris with a suction action? And why stop at carpet? Perhaps this miracle-of-tomorrow will also be able to suck popcorn and dried gum from between couch cushions? Heady times ahead. Heady times, indeed.

I envy you kids, what a time to be alive.

Local Mom Disowned by Neighbours, Feels Bewildered and Betrayed

A Kitchener mother of two has been blacklisted by her neighbours and wants answers.

“One day we were sipping our soy chai lattes at the park, the next day I was pushed out of the group. I saw them scurry away after the school drop-off. They all claimed to have errands and appointments, but thirty minutes later one of them Instagrammed her banana bread and I could see the cluster of them in the reflection on her microwave. I just don’t understand what I could have done to upset them.”

“I thought we were friends,” said the confused mother.

Sources close to this baffled parent tell a different story. According to moms on the playground, this ostracism has been imminent for months.

“Just last week at a playdate she proposed handing out fruit cups decorated like jack-o-lanterns and bananas with ‘Happy Halloween’ scribed on the peel,” reports one exasperated mom.

Her former cardio-walker partner adds, “But the final straw was the plastic ring comment.”

She goes on to explain, “After we talked her out of the fruit and vegetable candy substitutes, she announced that she was handing out plastic spider rings instead of candy.”

Despite protests from her fellow parents that an overabundance of plastic rings and Halloween-themed pencils are more of a nuisance for moms and dads than dealing with a sugar high, this deluded mom suggested that parents could repurpose these trinkets.

“They could make a really fun mobile or maybe some DIY hair accessories.”

The other moms say that reentry into the group is possible, but that they need time to heal.

No Candy? No Thanks.

I love Hallowe’en. The candy, the costumes, connecting with neighbours, the candy.

But there is a darkness around this holiday and we can’t just pretend anymore. I know, I know, we can choose to focus on the fun and light-hearted side of All Hallows’ Eve, but some things cannot be ignored. PURE EVIL CANNOT GO UNCHECKED.

Let’s shine a light on this sinister interloper who tries to spoil this holiday every year. For the sake of the children, we need to work together to take back Hallowe’en. For the children.

It might seem harmless at first, perhaps even a nice substitute for some other elements of trick-or-treating, but I assure you, it is not. It’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing is what it is.

Halloween-themed plastic rings.

Oh, here, let me wear pure evil on my finger.
Oh, here, let me wear pure evil on my finger.

Rest assured, I hear your points in favour of these trinkets:

They are a great alternative to all that candy.

No one is allergic to plastic jewellery.

Parents appreciate candy-free options.

And here is my well-thought-out response:

Why?

True, but not a selling feature.

Parents appreciate having candy to steal after bedtime.

Bear with me as I deep dive for a moment. This is holiday that’s main purpose is to promote binge-eating chocolate, chips, and candy. Why would anyone want to interfere with that? Besides, you have to walk door-to-door, burning so many calories that it all evens out (don’t worry, if you believe hard enough, that’s mostly true). You know what else is nut-free? Money, McDonald’s gift cards, all those candies that say “nut-free” on the package. It’s covered.

A stash of candy will eventually disappear, but you know what never goes away? TINY PLASTIC RINGS. Children do not forget and they are miniature hoarders. They might forget the number of fun-size Twix bars they had, but they always remember how many spider, witch, and jack-o-lantern rings they own. Can’t eat those, Mom and Dad. You can’t eat those.

Some parents might appreciate candy-free options, but they also appreciate not stepping on small plastic rings in a darkened hallway. And here’s a fun fact: you cannot vacuum up a plastic ring, even if you run over it a several times. Even if you pick it up, turn it over, push the little spider legs down, then drop it back on the floor and try to vacuum it up again (I would imagine).

So let’s leave Halloween as nature intended – high-fructose, fun-sized, and delicious.

_____________

P.S. Fruit is also not a treat.

If a Kindie Sees an Ambulance

Inspired by real life events (everyone is fine) and the beloved series of books featuring animals with insatiable and irrational desires for things like donuts, pancakes, and muffins, I decided to try my hand as an author of children’s books. Here’s the working draft of my first manuscript. I might turn it into a play, I haven’t decided yet.

———————images

If a kindergartener sees an ambulance in the school parking lot, they will immediately jump to the most extreme scenario.

Kindie (spotting an amubulance through the classroom window). “Someone is dead.”

Me. No one died.

Second Kindie. Someone is DEAD?!

Me. No one is dead.

Third and Fourth Kindie (as they rush to the window). Who died?

Me. No one is dead. They are here to help a student and give them medicine.

First Kindie: Well, SOME people are dead.

Me. (exasperated look)

First Kindie (whispering, head down). Well, they ARE.

Me (more forcefully). The ambulance is hear because teachers did the right thing and called for help to make sure everyone is okay. It’ll be fine. Oh, look! See? There’s the student sitting up, they’re going to be fine. Firefighters, police, and ambulance drivers are our friends. It’s fine, but if you feel anxious or have some questions we can chat. BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Second Kindie. One time I had to get stitches at the hospital. I was bleeding.

Third Kindie. Is the playdoh open?

Second Kindie. Joey picked his nose. I SAW him.

Fourth Kindie. So, who died?

(Scene)

The Mysterious Case of the Stabby Hydrant and the Zombie Mouse

Bad days. We’ve all had them. In fact, I have a had a few reaching epic proportions. There was Brown Tuesday back in 2003. And then the Perfect Storm of 2011, and then there was yesterday.

The Year of Jan is coming to an explosive conclusion. After twelve months at home full time, I’m going back to teaching in a few days. To maximize my school-prep efficiency, I went into school in the evening. I’m easily distracted so working at night is best for my time-management.

Sit back and I’ll tell you the tale.

It was a dark and stormy night. No, for real, it was. I spent an hour or two organizing my space and getting settled back in to school. There was no one else in the building, but I’ve been in after hours before and no longer jump when the lights automatically turn on. Knowing ahead of time that our sixty-year-old building has mice makes me a little less jittery when I hear the odd scurry in the ceiling tiles.

After a successful blitz of paper cutting and pencil sharpening, it was time to head out. But I really needed to pee. Curse you, Tim Hortons and your dark roast. This call of nature caused quite a conundrum: Pee with the door open? Close the door and get stabbed by an unknown intruder? Or wait until I get home?

I went with option C.

Next it was time to exit the building. This involves swiping out, and absolutely NOT setting off the alarm. I managed that successfully, but then of course had to wait and test that I really did lock the door.

Despite being an adult, the walk across the dark playground to the parking is terrifying. So the obvious choice is to run. Like a little kid. Squealing. Did I drop my wallet who cares there’s no time don’t go back just get to the car someone is lurking at the side ready to stab you at the first opportunity.

It was a fire hydrant. But a very ominous-looking fire hydrant. Also, your own hair flapping in your face does feel exactly like someone trying to kidnap you. And your reflection in the windshield does look like a serial killer. BUT I SURVIVED.

11919591_444524139064626_4915924727767707528_n

Nothing takes the edge off a stressful drive home better than a few episodes of Breaking Bad. (I might start my own life-coaching business, stay tuned).

Around midnight I thought it was time to head to bed and at that exact moment I heard the snap of a mousetrap. I turned and saw a tail sticking out from under the stove. It was definitely time to go to bed. I am surprisingly adept at running through the kitchen with one eye closed and switching off the sink light all while squealing like a little kid. Do not look at the mouse corpse are you crying, woman, toughen up and get out of there it’s probably coming to get you.

Normally I would inform my husband about the dead rodent, but ever since the Buzzy Fly Burglar Incident, I’m not allowed to do that anymore.

The adrenaline coupled with the caffeine from my coffee (curse you, Tim Hortons and your revved up elixir) made sleeping difficult. But I lulled myself to dreamland by thinking peaceful thoughts like “what if it was a pregnant mouse and it’s dead but the babies aren’t and it’s all wiggling around?”

The following morning we were awakened by whispered shouts of “THERE’S A DEAD MOUSE IN THE KITCHEN IT’S SO COOL WELL IT’S NOT REALLY DEAD LOOK AT IT FLIP AND DO TRICKS”.

In case you’re wondering, zombie mice are real and I will never sleep again.

Be sure to PM about the life coach thing.

School Lunches Made Easy

The internet is buzzing with back-to-school lunch suggestions, organizational tips, and photo shoot ideas (so many chalkboards). Many of you found my Summer Calendar For Kids post a real lifesaver (it was pinned at least twice – my head is still spinning). So I thought I’d create a budget-friendly, simple, and nutritious meal plan for all those lunches we parents need to pack for our little darlings. Don’t worry, I snuck in a little treat each day, because life should be enjoyed, right?

Busy families do not have time or energy to create a new lunchtime meal every day. To maximize simplicity I’ve carefully selected four items that will keep your offspring nourished and ready to learn.

Convenient and affordable
Convenient and affordable

You might be worried that your children will become bored with the same items each day. No. You can keep things fresh and exciting by cutting the cheese sandwiches into triangles, then squares, and if you’re feeling really Pinterest-y, go ahead and try rectangles. Kids are easily duped.

Feeling a litte adventurous? Go ahead and swap out the apples for bananas. You be you.

Bonus Feature:

Breakfast for the parent on the go. All in less than ten minutes.

photo 2

Coming soon: Afterschool Snack Ideas

Crocs, S’mores, and Dirty Feet

Food, coolers, ice

tents

sleeping bags

Pack up contents of the house

Sunscreen

Matches

Wienie roasting sticks

Did we bring the pop and chips?

The kids!

We arrived with six, now only four

Search party

Breathe easy, they’re found

White rabbit White rabbit

White rabbit White rabbit

Stop adding paper to the fire

Seriously

Lost kids againIMG_0584

Where could they be?

Buddy system

does not work

Dirty feet

Unwashed faces

Relax

Camping is hygiene-free

Night falls

Fire’s out

Into nylon huts we go

Sleep

Hissing

My will to live seeps out

No

Air mattress has a leak

(Same thing)

IMG_0587

P.S. Camping is growing on me. I went willingly this year.

That’s Okay

Mission Impossible theme plays. You sense the tension mounting. It’s only a matter of time. This thing is going to blow. Take cover!

Okay.200-1

Okay? That’s it? This house is about to self-destruct in an epic way and you come back with “OKAY”?

Okay.

What does that even mean? Aren’t you going to intervene? DO SOMETHING!

Okay.

There you go again, just calmly sitting there. We want to see some action. Panic. Even a raised heart rate. GIVE US SOME REACTION, WOMAN.

Okay.

________________

It has taken me years to get to this point, and I sometimes still fall into the snare that those little tyrants set, trying to pull me into the dark abyss that is “Their Problem”. I am mostly certain that this technique evolved out of inertia, nay laziness, but it works. Trust me.

He took more chips than me.200-2

Okay.

He won’t pass the grapes.

Okay.

He called me a dummy.

Okay.

She’s breathing on me.

Okay.

It’s my turn to choose a show/use the iPad/sit in the front/

Okay.200

He didn’t take the one he touched.

Okay.

This mustard is too spicy.

Okay.

He pointed at me.

Okay.

He picked his nose.

Okay (but wash your hands, that’s gross).

He peed on the floor.

Okay. Wait, what? (there are some exceptions).

For added effect, just shrug without making eye contact. You’ll foster more resiliency, problem-solving skills in your children, and your wine budget line will decrease significantly. It’s science.

Okay?

Okay.

_________

200-3

*This technique also works with adults, but with varying results. More testing is needed.