What better way to celebrate a former ruler than by having a day off work and lighting fireworks all weekend? Happy Birthday, Queen Victoria, we’re just going to have some pyrotechnics in your honour. No need to feel left out there, Canada. We’ll do the same for you on the first of July. Unless you’re our teenage neighbours who randomly fire them off throughout the summer, holiday or not. It’s 1am, people with kids won’t mind – little people sleep through everything, right?
This year we thought it might be fun to do an earlier celebration with like-minded neighbours. It might still be light out, but there’s no need to keep our young children up until well past 10 to cry about the loud noise and scary popping sounds.
Can you help?
Wanted: Fireworks Lighter
Must be a fast runner and calm around fire, combustible materials, and small children. Heckling is highly probable, so only applicants exhibiting superior patience levels will be considered.
A skills appraisal will be completed before hiring. This might include, but is not limited to, matches, lanterns, votive candles, and toddlers providing realistic sound effects while also shouting “it’s too loud” and then crying.
Compensation will be provided by the delight and joy given to others. And pop. Ok, pop and chips. Alright, pop and chips and other miscellaneous snack foods.
The successful candidate is responsible for providing own goggles.
Only serious applicants, please.
What’s your story? Ever been lit on fire? Had some fireworks remnants land in your eye? Yelled at teens behind your house to “keep it down! People are trying to sleep here!”
Tough Bananas 
I got my hair set on fire in Spanish class sophomore year. Twice.
It must have been a gran incendio.
A good skills appraisal would involve a handful of kindergarteners with a few sparklers each. If everyone is happy and has no injuries when that is done, you’re good to go. Last year we had about 10 kids under 10, all running around and waving sparklers. “No, hold THAT end!” “No, I will not catch it.” Fun for all.
Catch the Sparkler – sounds like a great party game!
I’m so jealous of you Northern Hemisphere people and your relaxed laws on pyrotechnics! Fireworks are illegal to purchase and set off privately here (Australia) and I miss the neighbourhood fireworks nights we would have when I was younger.
I can the Australian wisdom, especially when the teens go crazy on non-holidays.