Parents give a lot of unsolicited advice:
Maybe you should wear a coat.
Underwear goes on first.
If you do your homework now, you can forget about it for the whole weekend.
Just pretend you don’t want that (insert coveted toy) and he’ll let you have it.
Parents also give gentle reminders:
Company is coming, put on some pants.
Don’t lick the boot tray.
Doors are not for licking.
Parents make “Cause and Effect” statements:
If you lick me, then wrestling is over.
If you ask again, no Wii for the day.
If he makes that sound, he wants you to stop.
We’ve been in this parenting thing for about eight years now. I have uttered and witnessed many such parenting statements (I had no idea so many would be about licking). Perhaps the most lengthy yet poignant one is this gem:
Well, maybe you wouldn’t have pink eye if you had listened to me and not bounced your super bouncy ball in the washroom where it landed in the urinal. And maybe putting it in your eye and saying, “Hey! I’m a pirate” right after wasn’t your best move, either.
– Bearded Husband, June 2013.
What is the strangest thing you’ve said to your kids? (extra points if it includes licking).
Tough Bananas 
Strangely ., mine was about licking too. “People are not for licking.” But wait. . .there’s also the famous “When your body is making those sounds, it usually means you have to go to the washroom.”
I almost included that one, but then realized it was yours. You have taught me well, sensei.
“Things don’t go in your bum in general. It’s a rule of thumb”.
LOVE the topic. I occasionally stop and tell myself. OK, that just came out of my mouth, but most of the time I don’t even notice anymore.
Between home and work, I can’t believe the things I say sometimes! Who knew parenting/teaching would bring out our creative side, right?
“Don’t lick the coffee table.”
“Seriously, stop it. You’ve reached Makeout Mode over there.”
Fantastic. I’ve had to caution the boys on excessive use of tongue.
“You need to take that paperclip out of your mouth.”
But the metal taste is so delicious!
Please don’t lick me when you hug me! Or No, you can’t save the poop for next time. Flush it now!
Poop saving – that’s a new one. And a new level of gross.
So gross and funny!