Once upon a time I was a punctual person. Actually, I mostly still am. Okay, sometimes. Alright, alright, occasionally I arrive on time or even a smidge early. But it’s not my fault. No, really, it’s not.
I have thirty-six reasons to prove my innocence.
36 Reasons I’m Late for Everything
Toddler needs help putting his coat on
His sleeves are bunchy
Decides he doesn’t need his coat
He does need help taking it off
Actually, a coat sounds like a good idea
They’re bunchy again
Zipper won’t go up
Zipper is too high
I didn’t let him do it himself
He can’t do it himself
His socks feel “scrunchy”
His shoes are too loose
One is too loose, the other is still too tight
I didn’t let him open the front door
He needs to close it and open it again
Forgot his water bottle
He doesn’t want to wait outside
He can open the door himself, remember?
He can’t open the door himself
He’s doing the Potty Dance
He denies needing to pee
Under threat of no gum again ever, agrees to use the potty
I get the Elmo colouring book. Sit at the table. No, in this chair.I colour this page and you do it with me, okay?
You got it, bud.
It’s okay you can’t reach the page, Mommy, just hold your arm really benty. Yes, just like that. But don’t stop colouring. (Big Bird needs to be half-complete by the end of this, just like every other page in this book.)
You use the pink. Axshly, you all done with pink. I use that. Here’s a blue one. Why are you stopping? Move your colourer like this. Kay, I do this page – you do the grass. Blue is fine. BLUE. IS. FINE.
Move over, but don’t leave. I do it. Why aren’t you colour? No, I do it myself. I do it myself. I DO IT MYSELF.
Dinner time, please put your colouring things away, Little.
There’s a lot involved in raising children. We are responsible for teaching them social skills, personal hygiene, ABCs, colours, what not to lick and that you should not vacuum your brother. I thought we were doing a pretty good job getting all the basics covered with our fourth son, but somehow we’ve dropped the ball with communication.
No matter how we explain it, how often we repeat it, how we model its use in correct context, Little does not seem to know what “I’m hungry” means.
Little, please put your cars away.
No, I hungry.
We’re not having gum right now.
But I hungry.
Please leave your bib on.
You can watch a show later.
Please?! I hungry.
Don’t sit on your brother.
I hungry. Please.
We’re all done drinking pop.
But I hungry.
Do you need to use the potty?
We can do play doh in a minute.
But I hungry.
You can go get your own water bottle. It’s upstairs.
This is Mommy’s coffee. Hot. No touch.
I so hungry.
We’re at the point now where I’m going to give up and just hope for the best. Maybe he’s on to something. This might be a genius tactic for getting out of undesirable things. Actually, I think I might try it.