health – Tough Bananas

It’s Only Hair

“Do you have any questions?” my surgeon asked.

She’d just delivered the news that my recent biopsy came back positive for breast cancer. She explained the general treatment process and assured me that the outcome for my diagnosis was very good.

Do I have any questions? Sure do.

Me? I’ve got cancer?
How is this real?
How did I get here?
Is this a mistake?
Could the biopsy results be wrong?
What am I supposed to do?

I didn’t voice those questions, they’d all jumbled together in my mind and I’d nodded along as she outlined the next steps: surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and then longer-term drugs to prevent a recurrence.

“Will I lose my hair? I know it’s not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but…” I quietly inquired.

“Yes. There are so many things we can do for side effects, but not that one. You might want to explore cold-capping, there is evidence it can be effective.”

It’s only hair, but it wasn’t really “no big deal”. In my family there are about 25% of us with curly hair. I inherited it from my dad and one of my four sons got it from me. It’s a trait that connects us.

Dad was also known (by only a select few) in his childhood as “Bubbles” due to his fluffy crown of curls. My mom tells an anecdote of a clerk in our hometown asking her if I was Bob’s kid because “if that isn’t his daughter, then I don’t know who could look more like him.” I’m proud to take after him. My second-born is the only one who looks like me and is also a reminder of my dad, it’s a little bit like our own tiny club.

It’s only hair, but I’d finally figured out how to manage it effectively. I’d embraced the grays that were showing up and had used them as a reminder that growing old is a privilege. I had a whole hair routine down pat and had long given up trying to straighten out my locks. These curls are also what confused some of the students at my school who often mistook me for my coworker friend, brown curls being our most similar feature. Their double-takes when they saw us together was both hilarious and endearing. It was another tiny club I belonged to.

It is only hair, so I cut it. My oncologist had advised cutting it shorter before it started to fall out and she was right. I gave myself a bob I did not like. Funnily enough, that made losing it easier – it wasn’t the me I was used to. In a time when I had little control over what was happening to my body, this felt empowering.

Round two of chemo and showcasing my hair styling skills

After the second round of chemo, my hair gave in and fell out. It was more sudden than I’d expected. Wednesday it was business as usual and then Thursday it started coming out in clumps. So I took my husband up on his offer and he buzzed it for me. I then spent Friday sitting on the couch and rolling a sticky lint remover over my scalp to catch the strays.

Did you know that when you lose your hair to chemotherapy, you don’t go completely bald? Most hair falls out, but there are some stubborn little bits that hang on for dear life. Those downy pieces reminded me that it was only temporary and my follicles would return eventually.

It is only hair, but now that it was gone, the reality of my diagnosis, treatment, and months of recovery became real. Now I looked like a cancer patient. This became especially true when my eyebrows and then eyelashes also disappeared. I did alright with pencilling them in, but on more than one occasion, after washing my face for bed, I scared myself when I looked in the mirror.

When they say you lose your hair, that includes your nostrils. I never fully appreciated my nose hairs until I ate a hot honey pizza when out with friends and my nose could not keep up with the heat. It’s amazing all the small things about our bodies that we take for granted. For a time I became that person who always has a pack of tissues in her pocket.

Everyone’s journey and approach to chemo-induced hair loss is different. I opted not to get a wig. I can barely tolerate tags on clothing so I knew that was not the right option for me. Instead, I got a large selection of cotton beanies to wear. When the weather warmed up and my hair began coming in, I couldn’t handle how hot they made me feel, so I mostly go about my day as-is now. The first time I took my beanie off in front of a non-family member I felt incredibly vulnerable. But I’d chosen well, this friend had gone through her own cancer journey a few years earlier, so was unfazed by my slightly fuzzy noggin. This emboldened me to do the same the next day with another friend. Slowly, I realized two things: one, I care more about my baldness than other people do and two: I don’t care anymore (well, maybe just a little bit).

The first part of my treatment was months of losses – loss of mobility from surgery, hair loss, energy was sometimes non-existent. I felt like a stranger in my own body as the drugs caused water retention (my record is four pounds!) and puffiness and brain fog. I felt like I was in a perpetual penalty box with short bursts of time out for good behaviour. I’m not done with active treatment yet, but it now feels like I am in my gains-era. Gaining strength and stamina, mental acuity, and also the thrill of watching it grow back – I’m like a human chia pet.

It’s only hair, but I’m glad it’s back.

Middle Age – It Was There All Along

You don’t realize middle age is upon you until you are in the thick of it, but there were signs it was approaching.

It starts off subtle. You find yourself tilting your head more often to see the total payment due, but it can’t be because you need bifocals. No, no, no, the tech manufacturers are just cheaping out and making the screens smaller and with extra glare (those monsters).

Middle of the night wake ups are no longer due to small children needing your attention, but are a result of a poorly-timed cup of tea before bedtime. This is tough to accept since you now plan your evening beverage consumption with military precision.

When you use a device a child or teen was on recently, you have to first increase the brightness to supernova level. However, the increased font option is still on an as-needed basis. You’ve decided that stretching is a helpful recommendation. You now do that regularly with your arms when trying to read anything on your phone, not because you can’t see it, but because healthy habits, guys.

Walking, gardening, baking, and reading are not just fake hobbies you listed in the “tell us a bit about yourself” sections of forms. They are now your preferred activities. I recently found myself contentedly pulling up clover in the front garden while listening to an audio book when it dawned on me that it was a Friday night and I couldn’t be happier.

You wake up one morning and realize that instead of being irritated with the birds chirping outside your window at 5am, you are very invested in learning which ones are making which calls. Hence, the addition of a bird watching app to your homescreen. Also, did you know that there are seven types of chickadees, but only two are found in Ontario?

Gradually you have come to the realization that yacht rock is seriously underrated. Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald are treasures that must be protected at all costs. What a fool believes, he sees. No wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be is always better than nothing. Than nothing at all. Preach it, Michael. Preach it.

Staff room lunch conversations about movies and current events have been replaced with discussions about which supplements everyone is taking. Magnesium biglycinate is a game-changer when it comes to managing the middle-of-the-night heart racing. No more playing “is it a nightmare, anxiety, or am I dying?” The answer is now “you just forgot to take your magnesium with the ashwagandha chaser, silly”.

Home clothes are now just your clothes. Life is too short to be uncomfortable. Anything that requires a belt has been purged from your wardrobe. Ditto for shirts needing to be tucked in (and yes, that includes the French tuck, no one has capacity for that on top of trying to get through the work day).

The first app you open in the morning is the weather forecast because knowing the humidex value for the day is now critical. The second one is Goodreads followed closely by the aforementioned bird identification app. You now interact more often with the public library’s book holds system more than with your own children.

Injuries that once were caused by too much heavy-lifting or evening volleyball games are now a result of sitting at a weird angle to watch a murder documentary. Other causes may include: putting your jacket on, getting up from the couch too quickly, or the very risky decision to sit on the floor. You get light headed from stretching too hard.

Your brain starts to do weird and random things, such as reworking the lyrics of a song from your youth:

All of these signs accumulate until one day you look in the mirror to discover more gray hair that previously noted and a few age spots you had been in denial about. And then the truth really hits you: you don’t care. Getting older is part of life. Aging is actually a privilege and grays are simply confetti celebrating that you’ve made it this far. Sure, your body is beginning to betray you, but you’ve got this.

You’re doing great, middle-ager.

But seriously, try taking magnesium.

Who’s the Biggest Loser Now?

It’s time to face reality: I am not going to magically lose the lingering bit of baby weight. Our youngest is three now, so I’ve definitely given it enough time. I’ve tried all the popular fads: M&Ms Neolithic, The Oreo Fast, The Hershey AND the Cadbury, all for naught. The scale has not budged (in either direction, so there’s that). I’ve accepted this reality and have decided to take control of my health and fitness.

Yes, I’ve tried this before with varying results. I almost killed Bearded Husband with my bare hands when we attempted the P90X regime (and I would have done it, too, if I could have lifted my arms above my waist). Jillian Michaels can go shred herself. And Denise Austin‘s voice makes me sleepy.

That’s why I’ve decided to hire a personal trainer. I think the dividends will be worth it and I have found the perfect candidate.

Wish me luck!

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