You don’t realize middle age is upon you until you are in the thick of it, but there were signs it was approaching.
It starts off subtle. You find yourself tilting your head more often to see the total payment due, but it can’t be because you need bifocals. No, no, no, the tech manufacturers are just cheaping out and making the screens smaller and with extra glare (those monsters).
Middle of the night wake ups are no longer due to small children needing your attention, but are a result of a poorly-timed cup of tea before bedtime. This is tough to accept since you now plan your evening beverage consumption with military precision.
When you use a device a child or teen was on recently, you have to first increase the brightness to supernova level. However, the increased font option is still on an as-needed basis. You’ve decided that stretching is a helpful recommendation. You now do that regularly with your arms when trying to read anything on your phone, not because you can’t see it, but because healthy habits, guys.
Walking, gardening, baking, and reading are not just fake hobbies you listed in the “tell us a bit about yourself” sections of forms. They are now your preferred activities. I recently found myself contentedly pulling up clover in the front garden while listening to an audio book when it dawned on me that it was a Friday night and I couldn’t be happier.
You wake up one morning and realize that instead of being irritated with the birds chirping outside your window at 5am, you are very invested in learning which ones are making which calls. Hence, the addition of a bird watching app to your homescreen. Also, did you know that there are seven types of chickadees, but only two are found in Ontario?
Gradually you have come to the realization that yacht rock is seriously underrated. Christopher Cross and Michael McDonald are treasures that must be protected at all costs. What a fool believes, he sees. No wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be is always better than nothing. Than nothing at all. Preach it, Michael. Preach it.
Staff room lunch conversations about movies and current events have been replaced with discussions about which supplements everyone is taking. Magnesium biglycinate is a game-changer when it comes to managing the middle-of-the-night heart racing. No more playing “is it a nightmare, anxiety, or am I dying?” The answer is now “you just forgot to take your magnesium with the ashwagandha chaser, silly”.
Home clothes are now just your clothes. Life is too short to be uncomfortable. Anything that requires a belt has been purged from your wardrobe. Ditto for shirts needing to be tucked in (and yes, that includes the French tuck, no one has capacity for that on top of trying to get through the work day).
The first app you open in the morning is the weather forecast because knowing the humidex value for the day is now critical. The second one is Goodreads followed closely by the aforementioned bird identification app. You now interact more often with the public library’s book holds system more than with your own children.
Injuries that once were caused by too much heavy-lifting or evening volleyball games are now a result of sitting at a weird angle to watch a murder documentary. Other causes may include: putting your jacket on, getting up from the couch too quickly, or the very risky decision to sit on the floor. You get light headed from stretching too hard.
Your brain starts to do weird and random things, such as reworking the lyrics of a song from your youth:
All of these signs accumulate until one day you look in the mirror to discover more gray hair that previously noted and a few age spots you had been in denial about. And then the truth really hits you: you don’t care. Getting older is part of life. Aging is actually a privilege and grays are simply confetti celebrating that you’ve made it this far. Sure, your body is beginning to betray you, but you’ve got this.
You’re doing great, middle-ager.
But seriously, try taking magnesium.
Tough Bananas 