Halloween – Tough Bananas

Tricks, for sure.

Our house is going to get egged this Halloween, of that I am certain.

No, we remembered to take down our Christmas lights (eventually). And no, we haven’t forgotten to bring in our garbage bins. To the best of my knowledge no one in our household has started any feud recently.

But for sure we are going to get egged.

It goes back to November 1 of last year. That’s the day my husband went candy shopping for this year. He was pretty pleased with himself and the deals he found. And we have patiently stored his haul for 364 days. He hid it in a shopping bag at the back of our storage closet, which is overkill – no one was scheming to sneak some of that candy.

When I was a kid, stumbling upon the house that gave out full-size chocolate bars was like winning the lottery. The only thing better was the neighbour who handed out cans of pop, but that’s another story for another day. I dreamed of the day that I would be the grown-up making Halloween dreams come true and be the house that everyone flocked to because FULL SIZE BARS, GUYS. Some dreams do not come to fruition.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for buying post-Halloween candy on the cheap, but let’s be very clear, in no way is it to save for a full year. Nope – that candy is what gets me to Christmas break, plain and simple.

AND THIS IS WHY WE ARE GOING TO GET EGGED AND WE DESERVE IT.

There is a reason this candy was deeply-discounted. It is the worst. It’s not good the first time around, let alone after a year of sitting in our basement. Actually, I believe all the molasses kisses were made back in 1943 and the company has just been trying to unload them on people like my husband, my mom, and one person on the staff where I work. They are the only people I have ever met who choose molasses kisses over other candy options. Also I suspect they might be robots. Or aliens.

Dubble Bubble gum tastes stale when it’s fresh out of the wrapper. Did you know it can get even staler? It can. It did. I think I’ll keep a few handfuls to launch a counter-attack to the inevitable band of youth who will be pelting our house with eggs.

Rockets. They are just a sadder version of Sweet Tarts. Rockets taste like if Sweet Tarts were bullied: powdery defeat.

My well-intentioned and budget-conscious husband insists that these candies are “fine” and that “free candy is free candy”. To humour him, I offered samples of them to our boys and their friends. Surprisingly, the Dubble Bubble rallied briefly and was chewable. But ultimately it gave up it’s flavour within moments (not a surprise BECAUSE IT’S DUBBLE BUBBLE).

The molasses kisses were met with mixed reviews. The neighbour kid said it tasted find, but ended up spitting it out (see?). And one of my sons described them as “not that bad. Like a better version of a raisin.”

I rest my case.

Please send me your cleaning tips for removing eggs from bricks.

Behold, portable angst in a seasonal wrapper.

Local Mom Disowned by Neighbours, Feels Bewildered and Betrayed

A Kitchener mother of two has been blacklisted by her neighbours and wants answers.

“One day we were sipping our soy chai lattes at the park, the next day I was pushed out of the group. I saw them scurry away after the school drop-off. They all claimed to have errands and appointments, but thirty minutes later one of them Instagrammed her banana bread and I could see the cluster of them in the reflection on her microwave. I just don’t understand what I could have done to upset them.”

“I thought we were friends,” said the confused mother.

Sources close to this baffled parent tell a different story. According to moms on the playground, this ostracism has been imminent for months.

“Just last week at a playdate she proposed handing out fruit cups decorated like jack-o-lanterns and bananas with ‘Happy Halloween’ scribed on the peel,” reports one exasperated mom.

Her former cardio-walker partner adds, “But the final straw was the plastic ring comment.”

She goes on to explain, “After we talked her out of the fruit and vegetable candy substitutes, she announced that she was handing out plastic spider rings instead of candy.”

Despite protests from her fellow parents that an overabundance of plastic rings and Halloween-themed pencils are more of a nuisance for moms and dads than dealing with a sugar high, this deluded mom suggested that parents could repurpose these trinkets.

“They could make a really fun mobile or maybe some DIY hair accessories.”

The other moms say that reentry into the group is possible, but that they need time to heal.

No Candy? No Thanks.

I love Hallowe’en. The candy, the costumes, connecting with neighbours, the candy.

But there is a darkness around this holiday and we can’t just pretend anymore. I know, I know, we can choose to focus on the fun and light-hearted side of All Hallows’ Eve, but some things cannot be ignored. PURE EVIL CANNOT GO UNCHECKED.

Let’s shine a light on this sinister interloper who tries to spoil this holiday every year. For the sake of the children, we need to work together to take back Hallowe’en. For the children.

It might seem harmless at first, perhaps even a nice substitute for some other elements of trick-or-treating, but I assure you, it is not. It’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing is what it is.

Halloween-themed plastic rings.

Oh, here, let me wear pure evil on my finger.

Rest assured, I hear your points in favour of these trinkets:

They are a great alternative to all that candy.

No one is allergic to plastic jewellery.

Parents appreciate candy-free options.

And here is my well-thought-out response:

Why?

True, but not a selling feature.

Parents appreciate having candy to steal after bedtime.

Bear with me as I deep dive for a moment. This is holiday that’s main purpose is to promote binge-eating chocolate, chips, and candy. Why would anyone want to interfere with that? Besides, you have to walk door-to-door, burning so many calories that it all evens out (don’t worry, if you believe hard enough, that’s mostly true). You know what else is nut-free? Money, McDonald’s gift cards, all those candies that say “nut-free” on the package. It’s covered.

A stash of candy will eventually disappear, but you know what never goes away? TINY PLASTIC RINGS. Children do not forget and they are miniature hoarders. They might forget the number of fun-size Twix bars they had, but they always remember how many spider, witch, and jack-o-lantern rings they own. Can’t eat those, Mom and Dad. You can’t eat those.

Some parents might appreciate candy-free options, but they also appreciate not stepping on small plastic rings in a darkened hallway. And here’s a fun fact: you cannot vacuum up a plastic ring, even if you run over it a several times. Even if you pick it up, turn it over, push the little spider legs down, then drop it back on the floor and try to vacuum it up again (I would imagine).

So let’s leave Halloween as nature intended – high-fructose, fun-sized, and delicious.

_____________

P.S. Fruit is also not a treat.

Stick ’em up!

For Sale:

One Cinderella princess mask, circa 1973. Comes with nylon pink and white smock to complete the Cinderella look. Don’t worry, it mostly covers your thick winter coat.

Yes, the breathing hole is small, but it does exist (I survived the photo-shoot and only got light-headed twice). Might want to avoid eating onions or garlic before trick-or-treating this year, just to be safe. It gets a little sweaty by the breathing holes, so pack some tissues.

This costume is so amazing that not only did I wear it three years in a row, my sister had used it for at least one Halloween before me.

All interested buyers must sign a waiver promising not to use this mask in any bank heist or other illegal shenanigans. Scaring family members is not only permitted, it is encouraged.

Originally, this gem was sold for $3.99 (likely at Woolco), so no offers under that will be considered.

It is recommended that you trick-or-treat with a buddy as there might be one or seven blind spots, so hold off on the scaring of family members until after Halloween (it also makes it that much more unexpected).

If you’d rather not be a pretty, pretty princess, might I suggest another option?