Adam and Eve – Littles Style

At bedtime, when both of us parents are home, we tend to divide and conquer – one of us takes the Littles, the other has the Bigs. Trust me, it’s just easier that way.

We are once again reading the Bible story book I grew up with: The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Ken Taylor.

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The stories are short and sweet with very accessible language for young children (that’s the teacher in me speaking, I’ll tell her to be quiet from here on in). However, the length of the story does not correspond with the length of time it takes us to read one. Allow me to demonstrate.

“These are the people God made. Can you see them in the picture? Yes, that’s a tree. Oh, a kitty cat? I think that might be a cheetah. They are behind the flowers in the middle of the – fingers out, that’s yucky – picture. Can you point to them?  He can point, too – wait, wait, ok, can you point now? At the people. The people. WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE!?”

(brief pause while I compose myself)

“Continuing on. The man’s name is  – no, not Daddy, he might look a bit like Daddy. That’s not Uncle Ken, is Uncle Ken in the Bible? Yes, he does read it. Yes, he’s Jesus’ friend, too. His name is Adam. The lady’s name – please say ‘excuse me’ when you do that. Her name is Eve.

(pause while we relocate due to ungodly smell)

“Adam and Eve did not have a mother and father. No, they didn’t have a grandpa or grandma either. Well, I guess they had to get their own breakfast. God made Adam out of dust from the ground, and then – yes, I heard the train, too. No, they didn’t have Chuggington in the Bible. And then He made Eve. Yes, God made you, too. Just get a Kleenex, don’t wipe it on your pants.

(pause for some personal hygiene)

“God made them happy and good. They love God and God loves them. In the picture you see them looking up toward God. No wonder they are so happy. Yes, some day we can look up and see God.”

Sometimes reading this book for about 36th time feels rote. Sometimes bedtime can be another chore to complete before the freedom that follows tucking them in (the most wonderful time of the day, to be sure). And sometimes through that, little nuggets of truth sneak in: Bible time is important. Spending quiet time with the boys is a special moment of the day. And some day we will look up and see God.

Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

The toddler has the amazing ability to disappear in the blink of an eye. He accomplishes this by merely not making eye contact. Don’t believe me? See if you can spot him below.

"Please put your shoes away."
“Please put your shoes away.”

See what I mean? Vanished.

All I said was, "Let's change your diaper" and he was gone in a flash.
“Let’s change your diaper.”

He can even disappear at church.

"All done with water."
“All done with water.”

And he can use his super power in any room, to avoid any chore.

"Let's put your cup away."
“Let’s put your cup away.”

Yup, any chore.

"Time to clean up the toys."
“Time to clean up the toys.”

Or any perceived unpleasantness.

"Mommy's turn with the toothbrush."
“Mommy’s turn with the toothbrush.”

Toddler son might outgrow this ability, only time will tell. His dad and I are just hoping he can turn things around and use this gift for good.

Why Mommy Needs Wine Most Nights

Our dinner table often resembles the opening segment of “The View”, but with small interrupting boys instead of loud, interrupting women. Recently the boys were discussing good artists they know. That is to say, their teachers. The almost 4 year old does not like to be left out. What follows is his contribution to the discussion.

A4YO: Mrs. Winston draws good pictures, too.

Me: Who is Mrs. Winston?

A4YO: You know, Mrs. Winston.

Me: Who is Mrs. Winston? Is she from church?

A4YO: No. Not church.

Hubs: At preschool?

A4YO: No. (insert condescending chuckle)

Me: I’m wondering about this Mrs. Winston. Is she at the boys’ school? (sidebar to older brothers reveals no such person exists at the local public school).

A4YO: You know, Mrs. Winston.

I’m beginning to suspect this Mrs. Winston is completely made up and sad that it took me this long to figure it out.

Me: Tell me more about this Mrs. Winston.

A4YO: The one who lives with JACOB (slightly exasperated, definitely incredulous that I am unaware of the elusive Mrs. Winston).

Me: Who is Jacob?

A4YO: He lives with Mrs. Winston.

Me: I got that part, but who is Jacob?

A4YO: The one in the red shirt! (obviously)

Me: Ok, but who is this Mrs. Winston who lives with Ja—……who wants dessert?

I know when I’m beaten.

———

Sometimes you let them win, but sometimes you have truth on your side. I now offer you Example B.

We’re in the van on the way to SportChek. A4YO announces that busses are really a truck.

Me: Well, they LOOK big like a truck, but they’re not, they’re a form of transportation

A4YO: Actualleeeeey, no. They are a truck.

Me: Nope. They are a type of vehicle.

A4YO: Well, actualleeeeeey, they are a truck.

Me: You might think they are a truck, but they are a different vehicle.

A4YO: Actualleeeeeeey, they really are trucks.

Me: A truck would carry cargo or something, busses are for people. Vehicle.

A4YO: No, actualleeeeeey, you’re wrong.

Me: You think I’m wrong, but I’m right. Vehicle.

A4YO: I know, they are trucks.

Me: You can keep saying it, but it doesn’t make it true. Type of vehicle. (insert slightly hysterical sing-song voice).

A4YO: Actualleeeeey, no. You’re wrong.

Actually, I’m just going to accept that a preschooler’s mind cannot be changed. Even in the face of indisputable truth.

5 Minute Misconduct

5 Minute Misconduct

Oh, so sweet. Look at that little toddler sitting there. Adorable.

Do not be deceived.

Sure, he looks so innocent with his chubby little hands in his lap. But behind those wide eyes lies a cunning little mind hatching all kinds of plans for mayhem.

Don’t be silly, I know he isn’t saying full sentences yet, but I know. Trust me.

In less than two years, he has learned the “I’m not touching you” manoeuvre. A recent addition to his repertoire is the tried and true “I didn’t actually knock your block tower down, but the block I am holding might have been involved” technique.

What has that got to do with this picture, you ask?

On this particular morning, he was irritated with his 5 year old brother’s redirection and threw his plastic bridge across the room.

“No throwing,” I said.

“No,” he replied and promptly put himself on the step for a penalty. Misbehaved AND removed sibling’s chance at retribution all in one move. That kid is an evil genius.

The Manual

There are many well-meaning parenting books to be found. I thought I might try my hand at a book that really helps new parents know what to expect in the toddler and preschool years. Here’s my rough outline so far.

Kids: The Owner’s Manual

Chapter 1 – Favourite Preschooler Games

  • Are the Lights On or Off?
  • I’m done on the toilet. Wait, no, I’m not
  • Guess What I’d Like On My Sandwich?

Chapter 2 – Clothing Issues

  • Zip my Coat, But Not Too High
  • My Sock Feels Weird
  • If It’s Not Blue I’m Not Wearing It
  • Snow Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Wear Crocs

Chapter 3 – Psychological Warfare

  • I Know I Ate that Yesterday, So What?
  • It’s Your Fault You Can’t Understand What I’m Saying

Chapter 4 – The Hidden Enemy

  • Marker Lids
  • Stickers
  • Juice Boxes – I’ll Squeeze Them If I Like

Chapter 5 – Personal Space: Why You Don’t Need It

What other chapters would you recommend?

Code Brown

If I had known 8 years ago what I know now….I’d still have four boys, but I’d be much more prepared.

When you’re expecting a baby you hear the stories from friends and sisters of spit-ups, leaks, and explosions. You think you are prepared. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

A brand new baby poops and it’s cause for celebration. You call your husband into the nursery to usher in the highly anticipated “grainy, yellowish stool.” Oh, joyous day! Get the camera!

When a newborn burps and a bit extra comes along with it, you smile and think it’s cute. “Oops! Did you have a little too much there, sweetie? There, there.”

Dear me! Did junior start to pee right when you took his diaper off? No problem, it’s really just water after all, isn’t it?

Ha! This is just the beginning. It’s easy to laugh off these mishaps when they are little.

How about having a poo explode on you as you reach for a clean diaper at 3am? EXPLODE – you read that right.

Just wait for toddlerhood. We were two-thirds through a 2 hour drive to my parents’ house. The squawky baby finally nodded off when all signs point to the toddler having done some serious business in his diaper. There is no way we are stopping and risk waking the baby. We open the window a crack and carry on. Upon arrival the toddler thoughtfully shakes out a huge deposit from his pant leg onto the driveway. My dad really cares about the condition of his driveway. It did not end well. For me.

Apparently, if you run out of toilet paper, the logical choice is to use the hand towel. No, don’t call for help, wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone.

You’re in the tub and have to go? Don’t bother saying anything, just do it there. What parent doesn’t enjoy a rousing game of Bobbing for Poo Pellets?

Oh, dear, did you get something on your hand? By all means, smear it on the wall. Wouldn’t want your hands to be dirty.

If you happen to plop something on the floor, don’t say anything, just go back to bed and let it be a surprise.

If I’d known this 8 years ago, forget bibs and sleepers, I would have registered for a HazMat suit.